How to Go on a Wedding Diet

1. Find a suitor. Preferably one you are fairly confident you'll be able to spend an entire lifetime within a confined space and also won't leave you with two small children to pursue a career in Vegas as a professional poker player once your post-baby bod kicks in. Bonus points if he loves your cat as much as you do. 

2. Get proposed to and say yes. Be very, very excited. Post a picture to social media using captions you came up with 2 years ago while you were falling asleep and got out of bed to jot down just in case you needed them someday. Receive over 200 likes for the first time in your life. Feel validated.

3. After coming down from the high of your social media fame, decide that you are going to lose a million pounds before the wedding. Also decide to start your dieting efforts tomorrow because tonight is all about you, girl! Stay in this mindset for the next 6 months.

4. Buy your dress while you are still confident you'll be the skinniest bride to ever grace the planet. Have your dress reflect your delusion by being tight and unforgiving. Celebrate saying "yes to the dress" with 2 petit fours and a bottle of champagne. Eat a third petit four when no one is looking. 

5. Enthusiastically partake in cake tastings, menu tastings, booze tastings, dumpling tastings, bagel tastings, pizza tastings, cookie dough tastings, etc. Stress eat because planning a wedding is like having a second job where you are constantly on call and have to pay everyone else to not like your ideas and you cannot for the life of you figure out how to be one of those mythical creatures who "forget to eat" when being manhandled by anxiety. Gain 10 pounds.

6. Attend your dress fitting. Allow the realization that you will not be losing a million pounds to slowly dawn on you. Throw yourself a pity party. Afterward, have your mom drive you through an Andy's Frozen Custard and self-medicate with 3,000 calories worth of sugar, cream, and stale brownie bits. If you don't have an Andy's Frozen Custard nearby, you have my condolences and also a Blizzard or McFlurry should be able to do the trick.

7.  Start receiving Facebook messages from people you have not spoken to since George W. Bush was in office low-key suggesting you are fat and offering to sell you weight-loss products that can help you feel "confident" and "like your best self" at your wedding. Refrain from sending back "HOW DARE YOU" and decide instead to throw away your scale and cut back on your morning muffin routine.

8. Eat a muffin the next morning.

9. One month out from your wedding, accept that you still look exactly like yourself. Jiggle your arms in front of a mirror for 10 minutes. Decide once and for all that the muffin you are currently eating is the last one until after the wedding. Mourn the loss.

10. Wake up and have a smoothie. Kiss your fiancé goodbye at his stop on the subway and try not to think about the muffin you will not be having. Feel pretty confident you've already lost at least one pound.