How To Be Lacey: A Collection

Part 1:

Step 1. Pack for your upcoming trip super carefully as not to forget anything.

Step 2. Go over your packing checklist both the night before trip and morning of to be ABSOLUTELY sure you did not forget anything.

Step 3. Get chased down as you are boarding your flight by a TSA guard because you left your entire suitcase in the security line.

 

Part 2:

Step 1: Get on the wrong train to go to work.

Step 2: Do not realize your mistake. Take wrong train 5 stops until you feel sunlight streaming in through windows that should be underground, realize you are on a bridge and cannot be helped.

Step 3: Make things worse by getting off the train and wandering deep into the heart of the un-sexy part of Brooklyn that Jay-Z raps about.

Step 4: Find a cab. Pay 1 million dollars to get to work. Reflect on how far you haven't come.

 

Part 3:

1. Remember to feed your cat, turn off all lights before leaving the apartment. Pat yourself on the back for taking care of business.

2. Walk to the subway before realizing that, in the excitement of being responsible, you forgot both your keys and wallet inside the aforementioned apartment.

3. Hop the subway gate and attempt to justify your indiscretion to passers-by. Slowly realize you are the only human alive who cares about the ethics involved in gate hopping.

4. Get on the train. Listen to your Sad Songs playlist on Spotify. Mourn for humanity and the lunch you will not have today.

 

Part 4:

1. Wake up at 5 a.m. to acquire a rental car.

2. Drive 6 hours to Niagra Falls for a wedding.

3. Before the wedding, convince your fiancé to "live a little" and take you to the Canadian side because you've never been to Canada before and also maybe you can score free antibiotics for your infected nose piercing.

4. Realize you forgot your passport while you are in the customs line and already on Canadian soil.

5. Miss the wedding. Remind your fiancé how much you love him and also that your own wedding invitations have already been sent out.

 

Part 5:

1. For an entire year, store the removable fur lining of your winter coat in the most obscure and forgettable place possible.

2. Run into the fur lining from time to time. Pet it and think of the cold times ahead.

3. In a raging bout of procrastination, clean your entire apartment. Move the fur lining from its current home to a place that is much more logical so you won't have to look for it when it gets cold outside.

4. Wait for it to get cold outside.

5. Tear your entire apartment apart looking for the fur lining. Remember nothing about its new location. Stare longingly at its old, obscure home in the hopes it will magically appear. 

6. Wear an ugly jacket, curse everything furry and/or removable, and vow to never clean anything ever again.

 

Part 6:

1. Be a hot mess for 26 years.

2. One fine spring morning, realize you have lost the keys to your new apartment that can only be locked from the outside.

3. Panic.

4. Climb out of a window that can only be opened from the inside. Close it before you think through the next steps of your escape plan.

5. Realize there are no possible next steps.

6. Struggle to open the window that can only be opened on the inside from the outside. Ignore the shame radiating from your cat's soul as she watches and does nothing to help.

7. Use dark magic and/or the power of prayer to get the window open. Walk out of the apartment and wrestle the doorknob off of your door to confuse any and all lurking burglars.

8. Forget that the entire debacle was due to your own stupidity and instead pat yourself on the back for being solutions oriented. Well done, you!

 

Part 7:

1. Call a friend to discuss wardrobe options for her impending trip to visit you.

2. Become completely unaware of your surroundings despite being in a busy subway station with an arriving train.

3. Swipe your MetroCard and, when it doesn't work, swipe it again.

4. Walk through the turnstile footloose and fancy-free.

4. Hang up and settle in for the ride with your subway-friendly crossword app. Immediately become completely unaware of your surroundings again.

5. Get brought back to reality by a middle-aged man loudly and publicly lambasting you because he was behind you in line and claims to have paid your way onto the subway because your MetroCard didn't have money on it.

6. Believe him because let's be honest...that sounds about right.

7. Go to him with a sincere apology and a five dollar bill. Get called a bitch in front of the entire train car. Let your chin tremble only a little but DO NOT LET TEARS FALL DO YOU HEAR ME?!

8. Make eye contact with every other human on the train to ensure they are on your side.

9. Go back to the crossword app. Get stumped by the hint "Loamy Soil".

10. Pull out your book, lift it above your face, and let maybe just one tear fall.